November 2019 — The Middle
November of 2019 is where this story breaks open. Not where it begins. Not where it ends. But where the illusion of control died.
There are moments in a man’s life when he realizes he has built an entire personality to survive — and God is asking him to let it burn.
I was not new to church. I was not new to Scripture. I was not new to saying the right things. But in November of 2019, something shifted. The compartments started becoming visible. Clark. Bruce. Brian. One survived. One fought. One observed.
And God began asking me a simple, terrifying question: “Which one of these is actually you?”
“Our old self was crucified with Him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with.”
I had preached death to self. I had never actually died.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.”
That verse stopped being poetry and started becoming surgery.
The Rule of the Kingdom
Psalm 9 lays down a law most people ignore: what you give out returns. Not as punishment — as a mirror.
When I gave accusation, accusation returned. When I gave suspicion, suspicion returned. When I gave grace, grace returned.
And I realized something horrifying: The chaos around me was revealing the chaos within me.
The Kingdom operates on consequences that echo back — what you sow returns to you.
So I began practicing something radical: joy on purpose, prayer without ceasing, thanksgiving in all circumstances. Not denial — alignment.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances…”
Joy is not a feeling. It is obedience. Prayer is not an event. It is breath. Thanksgiving is not based on outcome. It is surrender to sovereignty.
The Dissolving of Control
God began dismantling the illusion that I was running anything. Every time I tried to “fix” something externally, it turned on me. Every time I surrendered internally, clarity came.
“If righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing.”
I could not discipline myself into wholeness. I could not structure myself into peace. I could not moralize myself into love. God was not asking me to perfect myself. He was asking me to die.
The Present — Summit Church & Becoming Whole
Today, I attend Summit Church in St. Paul. Before that, Living Light Church in Winona shaped much of my early faith vocabulary.
I have been married twice — first to Sarah, then to Marti. After Marti, I dated Sam. Now I am engaged to Megan.
Each relationship revealed something different — not about them, about me. The Kingdom of Brian is not about dominance. It is about territory. Every relationship exposed parts of me still ruled by fear.
God does not compete for territory. He waits for surrender.
“This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.”
That verse is not motivational décor. It is defiance. It is me waking up each morning saying: “God, You run this. I don’t.”
Now Let’s Go Back
Because November 2019 did not happen in isolation.
At 21, I was in a motorcycle accident that caused a traumatic brain injury. Memory fractured. Time distorted. Compartmentalization became survival.
Before that, I learned early how to read rooms — how to adjust, how to perform, how to survive. But survival is not the same thing as living.
Christianity, for most of my life, was a structure. After 2019, it became oxygen.
The Holy Spirit did not condemn me into change. He led me gently. Correction came through gratitude. Conviction came through clarity. Repentance came not from shame — but from seeing.
The Pattern
Pain creates blindness. Blindness creates reaction. Reaction creates damage. Damage creates shame. Shame creates hiding. And hiding is the opposite of the Kingdom.
So the Kingdom of Brian is built on three pillars: Do not hide. Fight the right way. You are not alone.
When I sow mercy, mercy returns. When I sow grace, grace returns. When I sow fear, fear returns.
The Daily Death
Every morning I wake up with the opportunity to resurrect the old man: control, fear, accusation, performance.
Or I can surrender again.
The old man was crucified — but crucifixion has to be accepted. It cannot be faked.
So every day I practice: joy, prayer, thanksgiving. Even when I don’t feel it — especially when I don’t feel it.
And the result is integration: Clark softens. Bruce calms. Brian stabilizes. And Christ reigns.
Key Chapters That Shape the Kingdom
The Kingdom of Brian isn’t a single moment. It’s a trail of moments. Some are bright. Some are brutal. All of them are honest.
The Motorcycle Accident & The Cost of Survival
At 21, my brain took a hit that changed the way time works inside me. When people talk about “moving on,” they often assume the mind keeps a clean timeline. Mine didn’t. Memory didn’t just “fade.” It fragmented. And when memory fragments, a man learns to live in pieces.
That didn’t just affect recall — it affected identity, emotion, focus, and relationships. It shaped how I could connect, how I could stay present, and how quickly my inner world could shift without warning. The external world calls that “symptoms.” Inside the Kingdom, I call it: the battlefield where God taught me surrender.
The Compartment Called “Link”
There is a place inside me I call “Link.” It’s where I go when I’m broken — the part of me that keeps moving forward when I don’t feel like I can. It’s not escapism. It’s survival translated into story.
In that story, the Word of God is the sword. And the pursuit that brings me back into wholeness is not conquest — it’s love. There’s a “Princess” in this narrative too: my daughter. The deeper truth is not fantasy. It’s identity reclaiming itself.
The Shower Moments & The Repentance Nights
There are moments that don’t look dramatic to other people — a shower, a quiet room, a simple decision to stop defending myself — but those moments are where the Kingdom expands.
When a man stops performing and starts confessing, the entire spiritual atmosphere changes. Repentance becomes less about “being bad” and more about becoming honest. And honesty is where the Holy Spirit speaks clearly.
If You Can Understand This…
Jesus often said, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” Not everyone hears. Not everyone understands. Not everyone wants to die to control.
But if something inside you is resonating — if you see yourself in this story — if you feel exposure and relief at the same time — then it’s your turn.
God is not asking you to fix yourself. He is asking you to surrender.
If you can understand what I am saying, you must respond.
This is the day the Lord has made. Rejoice in it.
Not because it’s easy — but because He is in control.
And you are finally free to stop pretending that you are.